i was totally out of sorts.. i stared into blank space while my colleague got herself some nice hot coffee and walnut bread, i wasnt into coffee then cos my mind was pre-occupied. i kinda forced myself out of the "i'm everywhere" feeling and focus on what she was saying for a good 25 minutes.
throughout the journey to my destination, i told ash umpteen times that i really dont want to see "him". alot of things were going on in my mind but i kinda knew what to expect. the time finally came and i think i didnt handled it the best way i could. i spoke the least and i was so glad the torment ended less than 5 minutes. i couldnt wait to leave the place.
after 11months, i realised only now that i am not over the entire issue. i recalled the many dramas i've watched where you see these silly people still thinking of the one long long time back. i never thought these scenes actually happens in real life. i thought i was over it 2 weeks after it happened, which in actual fact, i didnt. at work, they always say it will come back to you if you dont settle it and i really feel it. i chose to run away and chucked it in one corner instead of facing it so its coming back to me now. i felt so miserable i refused to talk after that. ash sent me home and i just slept the rest of my day away.
i want to do it but at the same time, i want to keep the memories, which i know is not possible cos its the memories that are holding me back. i pretend like nothing matters but it does bother me. otherwise, i wouldnt make a fuss about every comment he makes. someone dared me to delete the thousands of pictures i have which i know i cant do it. its stupid cos im the only one still left behind but i choose to let the emotions get to me.
one fine day, i have to unload my bag cos its weighing me down. i remember saying it many months back but until i learn how to release the load..
